Friday, September 28, 2012

Growing up

It's time to change, to be more mature, to grow up (again).

On Monday, I went to university, I received my first professional practice offer, I joined a gym, made a Chinese level test and I looked for an academy to prepare for the Proficiency exam. All these little things can be wonderful. But they aren't when they all come together. I ended up with the feeling I wasn't good enough. I also ended up with a headache.

As the week went on, I organised myself to keep learning Chinese, while getting the Proficiency and continue with my university degree. Plus the gym.

Point being: I don't need to have someone beside me to be able to live my life. It's time to grow up... I'll have time to worry and care about that other person later.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Unspoken words

Sometimes I think I should speak more so that people knows what I'm thinking. But then I think that people don't care about it. So I remain in silence.

However people keep talking making no sense. And I don't get it. Am I weird? Well, I know I am... I watch an insanely large number of TV series and I'm such a freak. But socially speaking, I just don't know how to act in certain situations.

For instance, I'm going to go back to friends with boyfriends. Yes, again. It's something I don't think I'll ever get used to... So, this friend has a new boyfriend. She won't stop talking about him, she won't stop messaging him, she won't stop going out with him. I don't know how to tell her that I'm kinda jealous of 1) Not having that friend to complain about boys and 2) being replaced by that guy. I'm really happy that she's happy with him, but I'm not happy with her talking all the time about him. I know way more details I'd like to know. It's freaking insane. I know she loves him and she's so happy that she wants to share that happiness.

The thing is, how do I tell her it doesn't help that I'm not able to have a conversation with this friend in which she doesn't pronounce his name. No freaking idea.

In conclusion, this is what I do when I keep words for myself that I shouldn't keep. I just write them down on a blog no one reads.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

It's worth waiting

Yesterday was one of those days which starts really bad, but gets better. I spent the weekend quite depressed thinking about how sad was my life with no boyfriend and shitty friends.

Monday is itself a hard day. First day of the week. Back to the routine. One of my best friends from uni and I were quite down and when classes finished, we went shopping. Not like a huge evening of shopping, we just went to a little store in which they sell original stuff, mostly office stuff but also some necklaces and bracelets. It was nice to get lost in that little shop, surrounded by cute little things.

After that, I went home, had lunch while watching a chapter of the series I'm watching now and did some homework for uni. Then, I still had energy to do a lot of things. At the end of the day I was proud of myself that I got to do all this.

I also watched a chapter of a Spanish (catalan) TV series called Pulseras Rojas.  It's about a group of children who have cancer and their life in the hospital. It made me realise that I'm freaking alive and that I have so much to live yet. There is no need to rush. And suddenly I felt much better.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Belonging

Sometimes I wish I had that someone to care about me enough to be the first person to call when something really important and special happened.

I've been bullied at school. I managed to go on with my life thinking that it'd be okay and that someday I'd be given back what I've gave away. I'm in college now and nothing have really changed...

I'm not saying I'm all alone. I have wonderful family and some awesome friends. But I don't know what it feels like to be the first one chose to be told something really important for another person.

I've been strong all my life and I've been trying to tell myself that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but when you've been living 20 years like these, it starts hurting so much that you don't know how to manage.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Friends and boyfriends

I went out last night. A few hours before my friends told me a friend's boyfriend was coming and some other friends of that guy. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Fine. I don't really love to go out with unknown people. But the majority decides.

So we went to a park to drink. Three of my friends and I sat and enjoyed making jokes and just talking. The other two were with the guys. I am not the type of person who goes and just open herself to a bunch of people I don't know. My friend with the boyfriend was with us for like 10 minutes during the whole night.

Now, I'm not saying you should've stayed all night with us... Although we settled that day for us... But okay, whatever. I'm just saying that we are so young, we'll have time for boys after university.

What hurts me is that I freaking want someone to care about me the way I care for him/her. People never seem to get it. I wish I become that first choice in someone's life, one day...

Sunday, September 9, 2012

With friends like these... who needs enemies?

I'm going to be selfish here. I do anything for my friends. I do everything they ask me if I possibly can, even if I have to give some of my time for them. I give them advice. And it's fine. I don't mind. They don't aske me to do these things but I do them because I just feel like it. When I do it, I think that if I were in that situation, I'd like someone to do the same for me.

Reality: I am the only one who thinks that way. Otherwise, people would care more about me and wouldn't hurt me that much. I give myself away for others and I get nothing but the satisfaction of doing things right.

This is the 32190483912813894718947189 time that I repeat to myself "Hey, stop caring so much... Just give what you recieve and to people who have proved to me that they care and that they deserve it".


But that's just me. I can't change that. I worry and care too much for people. It is starting to hurt too much not having someone to take care of me.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

A great debut of almost everything.

A new period of university has started. This first week was quite hard and as busy as I expected. I moved back to Madrid about two weeks ago now. I'm living in a shared flat with an Irish girl. I didn't knew her but we get along well, which is good. We freak out at some things the other does but, that's okay, I guess we'll get use to it, since we are going to live a whole academic year together.

I've seen my friends again. After a long boring summer, it's great to be around people of my age. I miss my family, as I always do, but I'm experimenting this new sensation of liberty and freedom I quickly get attached to.

My love life is a complete emptiness, as usual. But it doesn't bother me, at least for now. There are all these new things to discover and to do. I'm not in a hurry to get marry before I finish university and have children and etc, etc. I'm happy with my life now. And I'm gonna enjoy it.

My blog is going to change a little bit now. I'm going to tell whoever read this a part of my life happening at the moment I write it. Just to get it out of my head.