Sunday, March 11, 2012

Friendship

You have a problem. You talk about it with a friend. She listens to you and tries to cheer you up in her way. Then you have a bigger problem. You don't tell anyone. You get even more annoyed because of that problem, but no one knows. You get upset with everyone because nobody ask you. You feel uncomfortable with yourself and with the rest of the world. You get stressed. One day, you explode. Suddenly, it all comes out, you scream and you don't care about the rest around you.

What happens next?

Well... First of all, in that explosion, some little pieces have been inserted in at least one of your friends, that one who stood there beside you, who tried to cheer you up and to understand you. You won't notice. You are so focused on yourself you just can't think about others. 

Secondly, you feel even more lonely. You exploded, yes. But you didn't say anything about your problem, you keep it to yourself and you still expect for it to be solved. Sorry, honey, that's not how things and life goes.

You see, I'm still here, in case you want to talk about it. I've always been. You can take the hand I'm giving you or you can leave it. But stop fucking complaining about how unfair life is. You are right, it is. No one said it was going to be easy. But you have friends. At least, for now. Keep having that thick and awful wall in your heart and you will lose them.

I'm hurt too, I have my problems too, I am a human being too. We're not that different and you are not that difficult to help. So let yourself be helped. 



Sunday, March 4, 2012

Tags.

Tuesday afternoon. I'm going to buy a pair of jeans and then I'll continue studying. I go to the youth floor and I look for a simple pair of jeans. I take the size I usually take, 38 and also the size 40, just in case. I take some and I  walked toward the changing room to try them on. I try the bigger one first and I just can't get in to it... I'll take the size 42, but seriously?! I mean, I guess the number of anorexic girls have increased or something like that. I try the next size on and it looks like an elephant skin on me. In that moment I felt humiliated, like someone more powerful than me has told me: You are shapeless, you're not worthy of a pair of jeans, we make sizes for the majority of the population, you think we'd give a shit about you?


Now I'm in French class. The teacher keeps talking and I'm managing to follow the lesson and the vocabulary she's giving. Suddenly my classmate asks me something and I don't know the answer. She looks annoyed. I try to go back to the teacher's speech but I'm already lost. I see my classmate, who must be multi-task, is taking notes and I ask her what is the teacher saying. She just looks me annoyed again and says "Chill out!". I stress out and I want to cry. At the end of the lesson I keep taking notes with no one's help. I get not everyone feels the way I do with French. I just started a year ago and I need help to improve. But she looked at me as I should already know everything.


Underground in Madrid. Crazy as fuck. You can find there every single type of people. It's a cool mixture of cultures, classes, groups, ethnics, nationalities... I feel I can be myself there and even if someone looks at you oddly, there will always be someone weirder than you. Suddenly a couple comes in. They look cute together. I hope I'll find one day my blue prince. However, I just don't get why everyone around has had a relationship or a special relation with a guy but me. No one get it. I get stressed again.


I'm not the type of girl who needs the approval of society to feel all right. But how can't I feel stressed if all of a sudden people put all this pressure on me? I have to be skinny, smart and open to guys, just like that? I know that's not true. Still, if you are not like that there some doors that are closed to you. You don't really choose to close them, but society does for you.