Sunday, December 16, 2012

Religion

I believe there is a God up there, who knows each of us really well and that He is there for us to help us pursue the happiness.

However, I don't believe in Church or any religious institution. The reason is because they are human and they all make mistakes. How can you lead a massive group of people into something you think it is true? You sure can tell them here, this is what I think the Bible/Koran says. Fine. But do not banish or allow whatever you like whenever you want. Why the fuck does the Church or the Islam say that those who don't believe will burn in hell forever? That is not the God I know, or any of the things He taught us.

I believe religion is good. I believe God teach us in the Bible that being a good person is the way of being happy. My parents taught me to do that thinking "Do not do to others what you would not want the others to do to you". That is my life's philosophy.

Now, I don't understand how people who go every Sunday to Church won't be an example of what Jesus "would do". If you love so much God, stop being selfish and think about others, because we are His creation and He loves us. Plus, Jesus told us to love each other. Do I need to be more clear?


Sunday, October 21, 2012

Time machine.

So many ways to go. So many problems with so many different ways to solve them. I wish I had a time machine to go back and forward throughout my life.

I regret some things I said, did and cause. I regret things I haven't said, done or caused. I could change them if I had a time machine.

I guess this is not happening just to me. Maybe someone would want to go back in time and change some historical events, in order to make life a little bit brighter.

I wish I had spent more time with my family. I wish I'd said all those things I was thinking in the right moment. I wish I hadn't said all those hurting things to people I loved.

But now again, if I changed all that, I wouldn't be me. No one is ever satisfied with their lives or acts or things they have done, said or cause. The thing is: I know I am selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But that's who I am. I can't change my past and undo things.

So... If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Extremistly

Catalans, Muslims, Jews, Christians, terrorists, politicians, headless hipsters, hippies, posh people, poor people... Everyone exaggerates.

I've been aware of some mistakes I've made during my life. To be more precise, about judging people. Even though I've been judged and criticised, I still did the same to other people. In this society it is really easy to follow the trend at the moment and just go with it, not even thinking about it. But the truth is that everyone is quite a "bully".

I've always been a little bit angry with people living in Catalunya. Ever since I was a child, I went with my family skiing to a village in Catalunya, where people talked mostly in Catalan and looked at you all pissed off whenever you asked them to speak in Spanish. It still bothers me. However, I found this really awesome TV series... I know I'm repeating myself again: Polseres Vermelles. Its soundtrack is amazing. I've always thought that Catalan was such an useless language and ugly. But the truth is that it was because of my prejudice the fact of my ignorance of this beautiful songs. And it's a shame.

Not everything is always what we expect.


Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Existence

You are not accidental. Existence needs you. Without you, something will be missing in existence and nobody can replace it. That’s what gives you dignity, that the whole existence will miss you. The stars and sun and moon, the trees and birds and earth—everything in the universe will feel a small place is vacant which cannot be filled by anybody except you.
-Unknown

Friday, September 28, 2012

Growing up

It's time to change, to be more mature, to grow up (again).

On Monday, I went to university, I received my first professional practice offer, I joined a gym, made a Chinese level test and I looked for an academy to prepare for the Proficiency exam. All these little things can be wonderful. But they aren't when they all come together. I ended up with the feeling I wasn't good enough. I also ended up with a headache.

As the week went on, I organised myself to keep learning Chinese, while getting the Proficiency and continue with my university degree. Plus the gym.

Point being: I don't need to have someone beside me to be able to live my life. It's time to grow up... I'll have time to worry and care about that other person later.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Unspoken words

Sometimes I think I should speak more so that people knows what I'm thinking. But then I think that people don't care about it. So I remain in silence.

However people keep talking making no sense. And I don't get it. Am I weird? Well, I know I am... I watch an insanely large number of TV series and I'm such a freak. But socially speaking, I just don't know how to act in certain situations.

For instance, I'm going to go back to friends with boyfriends. Yes, again. It's something I don't think I'll ever get used to... So, this friend has a new boyfriend. She won't stop talking about him, she won't stop messaging him, she won't stop going out with him. I don't know how to tell her that I'm kinda jealous of 1) Not having that friend to complain about boys and 2) being replaced by that guy. I'm really happy that she's happy with him, but I'm not happy with her talking all the time about him. I know way more details I'd like to know. It's freaking insane. I know she loves him and she's so happy that she wants to share that happiness.

The thing is, how do I tell her it doesn't help that I'm not able to have a conversation with this friend in which she doesn't pronounce his name. No freaking idea.

In conclusion, this is what I do when I keep words for myself that I shouldn't keep. I just write them down on a blog no one reads.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

It's worth waiting

Yesterday was one of those days which starts really bad, but gets better. I spent the weekend quite depressed thinking about how sad was my life with no boyfriend and shitty friends.

Monday is itself a hard day. First day of the week. Back to the routine. One of my best friends from uni and I were quite down and when classes finished, we went shopping. Not like a huge evening of shopping, we just went to a little store in which they sell original stuff, mostly office stuff but also some necklaces and bracelets. It was nice to get lost in that little shop, surrounded by cute little things.

After that, I went home, had lunch while watching a chapter of the series I'm watching now and did some homework for uni. Then, I still had energy to do a lot of things. At the end of the day I was proud of myself that I got to do all this.

I also watched a chapter of a Spanish (catalan) TV series called Pulseras Rojas.  It's about a group of children who have cancer and their life in the hospital. It made me realise that I'm freaking alive and that I have so much to live yet. There is no need to rush. And suddenly I felt much better.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Belonging

Sometimes I wish I had that someone to care about me enough to be the first person to call when something really important and special happened.

I've been bullied at school. I managed to go on with my life thinking that it'd be okay and that someday I'd be given back what I've gave away. I'm in college now and nothing have really changed...

I'm not saying I'm all alone. I have wonderful family and some awesome friends. But I don't know what it feels like to be the first one chose to be told something really important for another person.

I've been strong all my life and I've been trying to tell myself that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but when you've been living 20 years like these, it starts hurting so much that you don't know how to manage.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Friends and boyfriends

I went out last night. A few hours before my friends told me a friend's boyfriend was coming and some other friends of that guy. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Fine. I don't really love to go out with unknown people. But the majority decides.

So we went to a park to drink. Three of my friends and I sat and enjoyed making jokes and just talking. The other two were with the guys. I am not the type of person who goes and just open herself to a bunch of people I don't know. My friend with the boyfriend was with us for like 10 minutes during the whole night.

Now, I'm not saying you should've stayed all night with us... Although we settled that day for us... But okay, whatever. I'm just saying that we are so young, we'll have time for boys after university.

What hurts me is that I freaking want someone to care about me the way I care for him/her. People never seem to get it. I wish I become that first choice in someone's life, one day...

Sunday, September 9, 2012

With friends like these... who needs enemies?

I'm going to be selfish here. I do anything for my friends. I do everything they ask me if I possibly can, even if I have to give some of my time for them. I give them advice. And it's fine. I don't mind. They don't aske me to do these things but I do them because I just feel like it. When I do it, I think that if I were in that situation, I'd like someone to do the same for me.

Reality: I am the only one who thinks that way. Otherwise, people would care more about me and wouldn't hurt me that much. I give myself away for others and I get nothing but the satisfaction of doing things right.

This is the 32190483912813894718947189 time that I repeat to myself "Hey, stop caring so much... Just give what you recieve and to people who have proved to me that they care and that they deserve it".


But that's just me. I can't change that. I worry and care too much for people. It is starting to hurt too much not having someone to take care of me.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

A great debut of almost everything.

A new period of university has started. This first week was quite hard and as busy as I expected. I moved back to Madrid about two weeks ago now. I'm living in a shared flat with an Irish girl. I didn't knew her but we get along well, which is good. We freak out at some things the other does but, that's okay, I guess we'll get use to it, since we are going to live a whole academic year together.

I've seen my friends again. After a long boring summer, it's great to be around people of my age. I miss my family, as I always do, but I'm experimenting this new sensation of liberty and freedom I quickly get attached to.

My love life is a complete emptiness, as usual. But it doesn't bother me, at least for now. There are all these new things to discover and to do. I'm not in a hurry to get marry before I finish university and have children and etc, etc. I'm happy with my life now. And I'm gonna enjoy it.

My blog is going to change a little bit now. I'm going to tell whoever read this a part of my life happening at the moment I write it. Just to get it out of my head.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Decisions

I might be repeating myself. Whatever. This space is mine to write what I am feeling right now. I know I am really lucky, I know I have people who love me but I still can't feel like I belong anywhere. Why do people get what they want? Why can they full-fill their dreams? And why the fuck can't I?


My time apart from my family has finished. I am back home and I am glad. I was a little bit tired of the stressful student life. I am getting my driving licence and it feels right. It also feels right that I am getting on well with my family. In Madrid it also feels right to stay home studying or to go out and have some fun.

However, I don't feel like I belong. Neither in Canary Islands or Almería or Madrid... I just don't seem to find my place.


Sunday, March 11, 2012

Friendship

You have a problem. You talk about it with a friend. She listens to you and tries to cheer you up in her way. Then you have a bigger problem. You don't tell anyone. You get even more annoyed because of that problem, but no one knows. You get upset with everyone because nobody ask you. You feel uncomfortable with yourself and with the rest of the world. You get stressed. One day, you explode. Suddenly, it all comes out, you scream and you don't care about the rest around you.

What happens next?

Well... First of all, in that explosion, some little pieces have been inserted in at least one of your friends, that one who stood there beside you, who tried to cheer you up and to understand you. You won't notice. You are so focused on yourself you just can't think about others. 

Secondly, you feel even more lonely. You exploded, yes. But you didn't say anything about your problem, you keep it to yourself and you still expect for it to be solved. Sorry, honey, that's not how things and life goes.

You see, I'm still here, in case you want to talk about it. I've always been. You can take the hand I'm giving you or you can leave it. But stop fucking complaining about how unfair life is. You are right, it is. No one said it was going to be easy. But you have friends. At least, for now. Keep having that thick and awful wall in your heart and you will lose them.

I'm hurt too, I have my problems too, I am a human being too. We're not that different and you are not that difficult to help. So let yourself be helped. 



Sunday, March 4, 2012

Tags.

Tuesday afternoon. I'm going to buy a pair of jeans and then I'll continue studying. I go to the youth floor and I look for a simple pair of jeans. I take the size I usually take, 38 and also the size 40, just in case. I take some and I  walked toward the changing room to try them on. I try the bigger one first and I just can't get in to it... I'll take the size 42, but seriously?! I mean, I guess the number of anorexic girls have increased or something like that. I try the next size on and it looks like an elephant skin on me. In that moment I felt humiliated, like someone more powerful than me has told me: You are shapeless, you're not worthy of a pair of jeans, we make sizes for the majority of the population, you think we'd give a shit about you?


Now I'm in French class. The teacher keeps talking and I'm managing to follow the lesson and the vocabulary she's giving. Suddenly my classmate asks me something and I don't know the answer. She looks annoyed. I try to go back to the teacher's speech but I'm already lost. I see my classmate, who must be multi-task, is taking notes and I ask her what is the teacher saying. She just looks me annoyed again and says "Chill out!". I stress out and I want to cry. At the end of the lesson I keep taking notes with no one's help. I get not everyone feels the way I do with French. I just started a year ago and I need help to improve. But she looked at me as I should already know everything.


Underground in Madrid. Crazy as fuck. You can find there every single type of people. It's a cool mixture of cultures, classes, groups, ethnics, nationalities... I feel I can be myself there and even if someone looks at you oddly, there will always be someone weirder than you. Suddenly a couple comes in. They look cute together. I hope I'll find one day my blue prince. However, I just don't get why everyone around has had a relationship or a special relation with a guy but me. No one get it. I get stressed again.


I'm not the type of girl who needs the approval of society to feel all right. But how can't I feel stressed if all of a sudden people put all this pressure on me? I have to be skinny, smart and open to guys, just like that? I know that's not true. Still, if you are not like that there some doors that are closed to you. You don't really choose to close them, but society does for you.