Days pass by without getting any sleep. I can't think about anything else. It's hard and it hurts. You are always in my thoughts. I trust in the future. I tell myself this is just a short period and then we'll be happily ever after together.
I'm only in 2nd year of university. I know I have my whole life in front of me, but somehow I just don't go on. I'm stuck here and you are still in my head. I know I should be stronger and I know I shouldn't centre my existence towards him. I do, though. I have the stupid belief my blue prince is going to come and make my life complete.
It's a new period in my life. New faces you might not see ever again. However, they form you as a person, they make you learn and grow. Sometimes I would like to know for sure that everything is going to be ok. Sometimes I really find it hard to believe. I feel like I need that one person made for me to fix everything.
So, you give yourself false hopes and they break down. You are breaking down, hurt, it's freaking hard, but you still continue doing the same silly action. You keep telling yourself "maybe...", you raise your hopes even though you know it's not good for you. So you cry, and you watch romantic comedies, and you laugh with your friends. Finally you realise it's time for you to learn about you, to learn how to fake a smile when you don't want the world to know about your life, to learn how to be strong and brave.
No matter how many times and how hard I try to convince myself, I just can't get you off my mind. And it hurts and it's freaking hard.
Yesterday I had a really bad day. I felt like I couldn't stop crying. No one was there. I was completely alone. I think I needed that bad day though. I needed to grow, to know that I'm strong enough to fall and then get up by myself. I was completely broken down, I couldn't speak with anyone. I just couldn't. I wasn't me, I had to get together all the pieces and put them in the correct order.
So right now, I see the world in a different way. I'm not happy. I know I should, but somehow I can't. I have a house, money to buy food, I am studying far from my home-town, I have wonderful friends and my family loves me. I notice all that and I say thanks every day for that. I'm completely sure that my dream of making a new family will come true. I'm sure I will travel to China someday. I'm sure I will go volunteering to Africa.
I still have so many "what if?” But I made it. I passed that awful day; I just went to sleep and woke up this morning with more strength to face the day. Whatever it comes, I'm ready now.
Imagine yourself being taken away from home. Starting all over again, eveything new. You are still in touch with your family and friends. It´s hard at first, but suddenly you start finding your place, you start meeting new people. And your way of seeing the world changes.
Changes again. The world is spinning round and round. It ain´t stopping because you are feeling a little dizzy. You have to get out there and fight for yourself. Mummy and Daddy won´t be there forever. You have to stand up and be an adult. You see yourself now stronger, you want to share with your friends your experience and your new point of view.
You go online willing to tell everyone your advance. No one listens, no one really cares, it is you in front of the world. That is how is going to be from now on. Good to know.
I go for a walk. Suddenly someone stops me. She wants to tell me how much she hates the clothes people use. She thinks no one understand her. Those clothes were just so extravagant that she would burn them. Then, she asks me what do I think. I hesitated. She talked again. Politics sucks, so does the government, and the university, and people, and family, and life itself.
She stops, she feels now better. I can feel it. I would be happy for her but she just throws all that shit to me and I feel depresed. She walks away like nothing have just happened. I might be quiet but in my head I have things you can´t even imagine. I would like to tell her: Life is hard. If it was easy it would be boring. You have a home, you have a bathroom, you have something to eat everyday, you even have your own room! You can go to receive education. And yet, you complain? Look girl, Fuck You and Have A Nice Day!
Back to university. New people around me. I don´t know anyone. I miss my friends back home. I feel like nobody cares. And suddenly I´m stressed, uncomfortable with myself, I´m a mess.
I see people going up and down stairs, not noticing me, if they do I feel they are not thinking anything good about me. Girls wearing highheels, I´m wearing trainers. Boys with an Abercrombie sweatshirt, mine is from a flee market. I´m totally out of place. What the fuck am I doing here? I should have stayed at home. I´m insane.
Ok, a big whatever to life. I chose this, I´m gonna live with it. Deep breath. As usual, its time to grow up, little by little. If they dont care, why should I? Fuck them.
All of sudden I feel like I´m an adult, I don´t need anyone next to me. Friends change. People change. I´m strong. I´m independent.
New place. Music helps, but everything is still new. I don´t know anyone here. The whole situation is strange to me and I´m a stranger in this new city. When you are far away from the people you love, you realise how much you trust them to support you and to stand by your side.
Family. There were always next to you. They will always be. Even though you get upset with them because they tell you the truth. Even though you get stressed about their funny little ways. Even though you act stupidly with them. They´ll stand by you.
Friends. They are fun. They are people you spend a lot of time with. They are people you tell your problems and they can understand you and they might give you a good advise. The ones who really care about you, will stand by you.
Now M is in a changing period. In a different country. With different people. She feels a little lonely and she misses her family and friends. Her people. Those who make her be the person she is. She takes a deep breath and face the changes. One step. Another one. Suddenly, it´s not that difficult.
Remeber when you were a little girl? Maybe you dreamed about being a doctor, a teacher, an astronaut... Maybe you thought you would be president someday. I personally played a lot with these little figures. I imagined I was the insignificant good girl. I would meet the awesome and popular guy in the neighbourhood. The light-eyed girl would try to keep him away from me, but he´d see how much I was worth. He´d finally realize how much we´d have in common, how much I´d make him happy and how much I would support him. Then, we´d get married and live happily ever after and even have children.
Now, I´m all grown up, an adult (at least most of the time), I can see it´s not always like that. Especially nowadays. You go to a disco and you can see people who haven´t met before getting too close. Maybe it´s me who is being closed-minded, but I don´t feel like giving myself to someone I don´t know at all. I still want my childhood dream. I think it is difficult to accomplish, but hey, dreams are free and they don´t hurt anyone but me. And it´s my life, so why can´t I wake up every morning following my dreams?
Certains moments in life have its own backsound. One day you listen to this song, the next year you feel totally different about it. That´s why I like music so much. It´s never the same.
However, I´m very tidy and my room is not normally a mess. But talking about music, its that what I simply love. The disorder, the confussion, the mixture of styles. Random songs and rithyms... what a lovely and funny mess! (=
Differents, but in its way, each one are capable to make someone feel special in an especific moment of his or her life.
M wakes up in a new bed. She stares at the ceiling. She realise she is not home anymore. Not that she felt at home where she spent university breaks. She gets up and grabs some cofee. A week ago she was packing and now, here she is, in a new country to discover, new people to get to know, new things to go through. Last year she already did that, but this time she is all on her own.
She puts the cup down. She smiles. It´s time to go out there and grow up a little bit.
Airport. People waiting to get into the airplane. Long queues. Different people. Different lifes. Different ways to see life. No matter if you are white or black, poor or rich, student, worker, eldery people, every single person has to wait. Everybody is the same here. No preferences because you like more one politic than the other one. No preferences because of your clothes; whether you wear suit or sweatshirt. Different points of view so close and still so far away.
When you feel something is wrong. When you feel you are not welcome. That not belonging feeling. I have had a lot of moments like that during my life, but I still can´t get use to it. It´s loneliness, sadness, uncomfortable with yourself. I suddenly find myself worndering if I did something wrong. But I haven´t. It´s them who have the problem, not me. I accept them, they just don´t see the good things in me.
I don´t really care, but it hurts when you are in a group and you can´t fit in. Maybe they don´t say a word but you see it in their eyes. It´s curious how a simple look can change the way you are feeling. No words. Just eyes.
I have this philosophy, my way of see the world. I just care for myself. I try to make people happy as long as I can and want. But that´s it. I suffered too much. Maybe I´m being selfish. I don´t know, the thing is that sure I will help you, and I won´t ask for anything back, because if I do it, is due to the fact that I want to do it.
Live your life and let the others live theirs. Simply.
Yeah, you. Stop doing what you are doing. You make me fall in love with you. You make me feel special in this world which is full of people. You cheer me up when I talk with you. I hate when you do that, because I don´t feel like I can return you the favor. I can´t really thank you for being you. I hate you when you do that, because it makes me realise once again that you are not next to me.
And seriously, I´m sick and tired of this bullshit. But then again, I have no experience in this. So keep doing it, because believe it or not, I simply love when you do all those things.
So here I am. Laptop in front of me. An infinite place for me to write and to express myself. I won't be here everyday. I will write to take my frustration out. That´s it. I´m not a native English speaker, so if you find any mistake, add a comment. I´ll appreciate being corrected. You are welcome to read and to express your opinion.